Determined Doubt
by Prism
Summary: I hate these summary things. Juri/Utena. Um..Angst. Romance. Read & Review and get more!


Hello again, everyone! It's your local Juri/Utena writer, back with more of the sweetest couple.  
  
Title: Determined Doubt  
Author: Prism  
Disclaimer: Not mine. Never will be.  
Notes: As all my Utena fics are, this is dedicated to Mel! Arigato, Sempai!  
  
***********  
Utena's POV  
  
//I know your life is empty  
and you hate to face this world alone//  
  
You came to me only a month ago, walking home with me from school, one hand shoved in a pocket while the other pulled on a golden ringlet. I was truly worried for you. You had never been this *anxious* with me before. As I stood on my doorstep, asking one last time if you would be alright, you glanced up at me. The fire in your eyes stopped me in the middle of a sentence. Then your lips were on mine, and I was stopped in the middle of a breath.   
  
You were gone before I could register anything, backing up and muttering and babbling about being sorry, and being a fool. Before you could get to far away, I lept forward and grabbed the front of your shirt, dragging you back to me. I think you were actually afraid I was going to hit you, even if you didn't raise a hand in defense.   
  
I kissed you.  
  
You kissed back.  
  
I knew then that I loved you.  
  
But I still don't know if you love me.  
  
//So you're searching for an angel,  
someone who can make you whole//   
  
My Sempai, even though you so hate the thought of miracles, you still need an angel. Someone to make you smile. I don't know if I could be that person. But I'll try. For you, I would do anything. I share your bed, make love to you, silently love you, if only to help you fill the emptiness I see in your eyes.   
  
Your smile can light a room as you playfully tug on one of my pink locks, or as we mock-duel with practice swords. If you would smile more, I would lay down my own life.   
  
//I cannot save you  
I can't even save myself//  
  
You may have never said that you love me, but I have never told you either. I'm a coward. I'm afraid to love and not be loved in return.   
  
//I know that you've been damaged,   
your soul has suffered such abuse//  
  
That damn Shiori. She has damaged you in so many ways, love. I would kill her at any given minute if you say the word. But you don't want that, and I only wish to do what will make you glad. What will make you smile. But she doesn't make you smile. Whenever you see her, the sadness in your eyes tears a piece of my heart out and into your hands. I know you must still love her. She had your affections for so long. How can a few weeks in my bed change that?   
  
I want to kill her.  
  
//but I am not your savior  
I am just as fucked as you//  
  
Pain fills your eyes more and more as the days pass. I know you are beginning to regret starting this with me. I know you want to let me go, but are afraid to lose my ability to temporaraly fill your void. I know I should tell you myself before this goes too far, and you are unable to live without me, even though you don't love me.   
  
But I can't. I'm too selfish. I want to hold onto this for as long as possible.  
  
//I cannot save you  
I can't even save myself//  
  
You've entered the room. I usually stay at your house for an hour or two after school ends. You left a half hour ago to do an unknown task. I've taken the time alone to write you this letter. Weather I leave it has yet to be seen.   
  
//Please don't take pity on me  
my life has been a nightmare//  
  
I see the pain in your eyes as I look into your face. I quickly plaster on a smile and a chirpy greeting to cover my own painful realisations.   
  
You pity me. You have figured out that I love you, and need you. Being the wonderful person you are, you have decided to give me what I most desire. Your affection.   
  
But what is affection without love to back it up? What is affection if the person giving it is not happy in their own right?   
  
//so if I must be lonely  
I think I'd rather be alone//  
  
My choice is clear now. I'll leave you this letter telling you of my love and your own need to find a true love.   
  
Find happiness, Juri.   
  
I love you Sempai.  
  
Utena  
  
//you cannot save me  
you can't even save yourself//  
  
I leave the letter on the table knowing you see it and will open it as soon as I leave. I grab your hand, and pull you down for a last sweet kiss. Then I am out of the chair, out of the room, grab my coat, and I am out of your life.  
  
----------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Juri's POV  
  
//I believed that love was sacred   
As I dove blindly into her sea//  
  
I came to you a month ago, offering to walk you home from school. I was nervous, and I know I worried you. As you were asking me again about my well being, I swallowed my fear and looked at you. The shock and amazement in your face as you registered what I wanted was so bittersweet. I had to have one kiss.   
  
Of course, I was mortified the instant after is happened, and I yanked away, determined to get out of there before I could see the disgust in your face. I couldn't be pushed away again. Who knew you were so strong? You dragged me back without a sweat breaking out on your forehead. I was afraid your strength came from your fury, but you proved me wrong again.  
  
You kissed me.   
  
I kissed back  
  
I love you.  
  
Do you love me?  
  
//You see, that warm embrace felt more like drowning   
As endless waves crashed over me //  
  
You keep me together, Utena-kun. Your embrace, your warmth, and you yourself keep me alive. Make me smile, Koibito, because you're the only one that can.  
  
//She was an insatiable black hole   
Feeding off my mind and off my soul//  
  
I wonder if the jealousy I see in your eyes is my own hopeful imagination. Shiori no longer has a place in my heart or desires, but I hold no ill feelings towards her. Her life is sad, and her intentions may have been to hurt me, but I can't help but feel she must have had a reason.   
  
Is that a growl, Utena? I can't help but laugh, and you turn to me, a light flush on your cheeks at being caught. For an instance, a single instance, I believe I can see my own love shining back at me from your blue eyes.   
  
I can believe that I mean something to you.  
  
//I find love humilating   
Sick and desperate need that drains me//  
  
I know my love for you isn't returned. I see the affection with which you look upon Anthy. I know that I am just a pawn to make your true love jealous.   
  
I know I should stop this. Tell you to follow your true heart and confess your love. But I'm not that strong. And I'm entirerly too selfish. I want you, love. In anyway possible.   
  
It may be a one sided love.  
  
It may be wrong.  
  
But I can't let go now.  
  
//God I hope I never feel again   
But I've never been loved by an angel  
I've never felt anything so pure   
I've never been loved by an angel//  
  
I've never been loved by anyone like you.  
  
I have never been truly loved.  
  
You don't love me.  
  
The pain numbs my already broken heart.  
  
//Until tonight your heaven filled my room//  
  
I'm letting you go tonight. I'm ending my selfish streak and instructing you to go talk to Anthy. You love her. I love you. You can move on in your happy life, and the only happiness in my life can be gone.   
  
I'm leaving this letter in the pocket of your coat.   
  
Be happy, Utena.  
  
I love you.  
  
Juri  
  
//She showed me love could lift me higher   
With a kiss she repaired these broken wings//  
  
I enter the room to see you leaning over the table, scribbling on a piece of paper. A thought pierces my heart.  
  
Are you writing me to say goodbye? Have you come to your senses?  
  
The fact that you may be the one leaving me, not me letting you go drags me down to despair.  
  
You look up and smile, but I see the pain in your eyes. You write a few more lines, fold the paper, and leave it on the table. I know I'm going to look at it. You know also. To distract me, you pull me into a last, sweet kiss. Why am I not surprised at the feeling of finality it holds?  
  
You're gone, running out the door. I pick up the letter.  
  
------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
//She revived my fading spirit   
Restored my faith in everything//  
  
The letter dropped from numb fingers as a stunned Juri sat down hard on a couch. Two parts of her brain held a silent, furious battle. The pessimistic side said it was impossible. The realistic side picked the letter back up and read again.  
  
"I love you, Sempai"  
  
Holy shit.  
  
//I have never felt I had a home   
Even in a crowd I felt alone//  
  
Standing in a shallow doorway a block away from Juri's home, a pink haired girl stared at the letter she had found when she had tried to find some change in her pocket. She shook and sniffled and read it again.   
  
//I'd almost given up on life   
I'm fully determined now//  
  
Juri stared at the ceiling and comtempalated. Utena actually believed that she didn't love her. It was amazing. And she was going to fix it. Right now. No more hurt for her Utena.  
  
//And never thought I'd ever feel again   
I believed in nothing//  
  
Utena looked at the paper in her hand and wondered how the drizzling rain was making it's way inside the doorway, since small wet spots kept appearing on the letter.   
  
She looked up at a certian yell, and saw that the rain had stopped, and the sun was peaking through, glinting off the golden ringlets of the vision running towards her.  
  
//But you believe in me   
I thought that life was worthless//  
  
Utena smiled widely as she stepped out onto the sidewalk and into her love's arms. They held each other silently for a few moments before Juri leaned back and grinned at her prince.  
  
"Will you look at us?"  
  
Utena grinned back. "Pathetic"  
  
The older girl shook her head and ran her hand through the pink locks.   
  
"No hope for us."  
  
The younger leaned into the caress and slid her eyes closed.  
  
"I love you.", she mumured.  
  
Her love smiled gently at her and leaned down for a kiss that tasted like rain, sorrow, and love.   
  
"I love you too."  
--------------------------------  
  
Da End.   
  
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